Today I have selected the growing problem of chick flicks for termination. Why do you earth dwellers choose to watch such dribble? Trying checking out a decent movie. Preferably one with yours truly in it. You won't find the terminator in any wimpy crying movie. The only crying that should be in a movie should come from those who are being crushed by the terminator! Thus I offer my solutions.
First solution (more desirable): We round up all of the chick flicks and tape over the mushy parts with cool action movie fight scenes. This way the ladies can still have their movies, only they won't be contaminated by unreal situations. Instead show Jon McClain walking on glass and killing terrorists! Now that's good film!
Second solution (less desirable): I guess as long as I don't have to watch them anymore you may keep them, But don't ask me to watch them!
System Analysis . . . problem Terminated.
Ending transmission, Terminator going out for more popcorn . . . but I'll be back.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Road Rage
Now I will eliminate the human problem of road rage. Today on my way to work I got stuck behind some wingnut driving 25 in a 40 mph zone. I politely honked my horn repeatedly and the idiot gave me the finger. At this point I tagged him for immediate termination, but unfortunately I was with my advisor. He wouldn't permit me to terminate him. He let him get away. Fortunately I am the governor and have the power to inflict total pain on this man. But first my solutions.
First solution (more desirable): We will immediately equip all automobile's with rocket launchers. Instead of allowing road rage to occur simply terminate the fool who taunts you by cutting in front of you.
Second solution (less desirable): Therapy. We meet every Thursday at 5:30. Don't be late or else!
System Analysis . . . problem Terminated.
If you'll excuse me I have some license plates to trace. Ending transmission, Terminator out . . . but I'll be back.
First solution (more desirable): We will immediately equip all automobile's with rocket launchers. Instead of allowing road rage to occur simply terminate the fool who taunts you by cutting in front of you.
Second solution (less desirable): Therapy. We meet every Thursday at 5:30. Don't be late or else!
System Analysis . . . problem Terminated.
If you'll excuse me I have some license plates to trace. Ending transmission, Terminator out . . . but I'll be back.
Global Warming
Terminator back again. Today I will crush the puny problem of global warming. Really I don't see much of a problem with global warming. Temperature makes no difference to me. But for those who are too weak to have the earth be twenty or thiry degrees hotter than it is now, I will crush this problem. Thus I have come up with two solutions.
First solution (more desirable): I will blott out the sun for one year making the earth so cold that puny earth creatures will beg for global warming.
Seond solution (also good): I will destroy the ozone layer and issue everyone lead umbrella's. Those who are too weak to hold up the umbrella's will die. This will also eliminate the weak ones in our society.
System Analysis . . . problem Terminated.
I grow tired of fixing problems for now. Ending transmission, Terminator out . . . but I'll be back.
First solution (more desirable): I will blott out the sun for one year making the earth so cold that puny earth creatures will beg for global warming.
Seond solution (also good): I will destroy the ozone layer and issue everyone lead umbrella's. Those who are too weak to hold up the umbrella's will die. This will also eliminate the weak ones in our society.
System Analysis . . . problem Terminated.
I grow tired of fixing problems for now. Ending transmission, Terminator out . . . but I'll be back.
Sick Puppy
I have recieved a letter from a little girl named amy. I will read you the letter and then correct the problem. The letter reads:
" Dear Governor Terminator,
My puppy is very sick. He is small and I am worried for him. Can you help my puppy. I have sent you a picture of him. Please help my puppy. Thank you.
Love, Amy"
. . . Um, sniff* sniff*. The puppy looks really sad, and he is pretty cute. Uh I mean for a pathetic meat sac. Well sniff* I I gotta go. Ending transmssion, Terminator out sniff* . . . but I'll be back.
" Dear Governor Terminator,
My puppy is very sick. He is small and I am worried for him. Can you help my puppy. I have sent you a picture of him. Please help my puppy. Thank you.
Love, Amy"
. . . Um, sniff* sniff*. The puppy looks really sad, and he is pretty cute. Uh I mean for a pathetic meat sac. Well sniff* I I gotta go. Ending transmssion, Terminator out sniff* . . . but I'll be back.
Crime
This topic of crime does not compute. As machines we all work for the greater good of all, and any who fail to complete orders are terminated. Thus this has been the simplest of your puny problems to solve. As per my other responses I have offered two solutions.
First solution (more desirable): We terminate all those who commit crime. Size of crime and intent are irrelevant. Those who commit crime are defective in some way, and thus must be eliminated. This will also deter others from committing crimes.
Second solution (also good): Stop whining and accept solution one! I will also terminate whiners!
System Analysis . . . problem Terminated.
Ending transmission, Terminator out . . . but I'll be back.
First solution (more desirable): We terminate all those who commit crime. Size of crime and intent are irrelevant. Those who commit crime are defective in some way, and thus must be eliminated. This will also deter others from committing crimes.
Second solution (also good): Stop whining and accept solution one! I will also terminate whiners!
System Analysis . . . problem Terminated.
Ending transmission, Terminator out . . . but I'll be back.
Weak Economy
A second problem has been brought to my attention, and I have selected it for immeadiate Termination. This United States economy is falling into recession. First of all this would never have happend if I was in charge, however I have selected two options for this problem.
First solution (More desirable): We select countries that are growing stronger than us and we eliminate them. We will use our superior firepower and the element of surprise to conquer our foes. Then we will offer other countries mercy in exchange for huge heaping bags of bling.
Second solution (Less desirable): We move our operation and restart in Japan.
System analysis . . . problem Terminated
I must go, I have prepaired an oil bath to soak my tired cicuits. Fixing all of your pathetic problems is causing me to rust. Ending transmission, Terminator out . . . but I'll be back.
First solution (More desirable): We select countries that are growing stronger than us and we eliminate them. We will use our superior firepower and the element of surprise to conquer our foes. Then we will offer other countries mercy in exchange for huge heaping bags of bling.
Second solution (Less desirable): We move our operation and restart in Japan.
System analysis . . . problem Terminated
I must go, I have prepaired an oil bath to soak my tired cicuits. Fixing all of your pathetic problems is causing me to rust. Ending transmission, Terminator out . . . but I'll be back.
Crude Oil
For my first problem to be terminated, I have chosen earth's pathetic dependency on crude oil. I do not see why you choose to use such a pathetic form of power. If it was up to me I would just capture the sun and harvest its energy directly. Unfortunatly your brains are too small to comprehend this superior thought. Thus I will present you with two perfect solutions.
First solution (and my personal favorite): I will terminate half of all the humans who consume crude oil. Thus demand will be reduced in half and the remaining humans will enjoy all the crude oil that their greedy little fleshy hearts desire.
Second solution (less desirable): We will harness the power of the atom and build three times the nuclear reactors and use the power to run our automobiles.
System Analysis . . . problem Terminated.
I have spared too many of my precious nanoseconds on your petty earth problems. Ending transmission, Terminator out . . . but I'll be back.
First solution (and my personal favorite): I will terminate half of all the humans who consume crude oil. Thus demand will be reduced in half and the remaining humans will enjoy all the crude oil that their greedy little fleshy hearts desire.
Second solution (less desirable): We will harness the power of the atom and build three times the nuclear reactors and use the power to run our automobiles.
System Analysis . . . problem Terminated.
I have spared too many of my precious nanoseconds on your petty earth problems. Ending transmission, Terminator out . . . but I'll be back.
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